While you were sleeping I took some pliers and peeled off each off your fingernails, and each of your toenails too. I’m selling them on eBay. The highest bid is currently £20. For the lot. That’s £1 per nail, which is a drastic undervaluation if you ask me. I might force the price up by bidding myself. Risky though. I don’t want the nails. I have enough. In a box under the clock.

Why didn’t you wake up? I wonder. Maybe you’re just that much of a giver. I wake you up, gently. By rubbing a cold celery stick across your face. I fill your ears with hummus. £25.20. We’re getting there. You begin to feel your extremities. You scream a little, but not too much.